Thistle (thistle_chaser) wrote,

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Longest movie in the history of time itself (Kite Runner, and 9)

Last week's movie was 9, which I'll get to in a moment. But first: The longest movie in the history of time itself. Nope, not just in the history of movies, in the history of all time. Or so it seemed.

I really have no idea why I put The Kite Runner in my Netflix queue. I suppose it must have seemed interesting, and some bits of it were, but mostly it was a long, long movie featuring an unlikable character in an unlikable setting with nothing but subtitles for nearly the whole unbelievable thing.

I'll put the plot behind a cut for spoilers... and the cut text will make this movie seem rather different than it really was.

Okay, so there are these two kids. I'll call them Rich Kid and Servant Kid. They're best friends. Servant Kid protects Rich Kid, obeys him endlessly, would eat dirt on command, all that.

One day, while following Rich Kid's command, Servant Kid is about to be raped by three much older boys. Rich Kid sees this, but is too much of a coward so runs away. When Servant Kid comes home, blood dripping out of his pants leg, Rich Kid is all "Yo dude! Where've you been?", except, of course, in Arabic.

As if that weren't bad enough, Rich Kid now acts like an ass because he's feeling guilty. Eventually he's enough of an ass that he gets Servant Kid and his father kicked out of their home.

Fast forward (as I wish I had). Rich Kid is now an adult and living in America. He gets a call to go back home to Kabul for Important Personal Business. He goes. Turns out that Servant Kid was actually his brother and now is dead, but before that had a kid. So Rich Kid, after much prompting, goes to find Servant Kid's kid.

Turns out the kid was sold into sexual slavery to some high up Taliban leader. Adult Rich Kid goes to try to get him back. Unsurprisingly, Taliban Guy says no. Unsurprisingly, Taliban Guy decides to kick the crap out of Adult Rich Kid. ARK, all these years later, is still a coward. Who saves him? The boy sex slave. The raped, feminized, maybe 6 year old kid saves the adult man from another man. With a weapon he had on him all that time. Because really, you want to keep your sex slaves armed, right? The kid is also the one who gets them out of the Taliban compound.

Blah blah blah, long movie, the two finally get back home to America. And finally, for the first time in his whole life, Adult Rich Kid stands up to someone. To his father in law for insulting the former sex slave kid. By telling him not to do it again.

It wouldn't have seemed so long if not for the subtitles. I couldn't hardly multitask, because I couldn't look away from the TV. Anytime I wanted to do anything else, I had to pause it.

Ah well! Last week's 9 was a million times better. I wish I had written about it last week, because then I could say more than "I really liked it!". I have no idea how I hadn't heard of this movie until I saw it on Netflix. It was so dark and yet so pretty! The story was amazing and the animation was just as good.
Tags: movie: 9, movie: kite runner
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