Thistle (thistle_chaser) wrote,

  • Mood:

Go away, please.

Sometimes I get hit by memories out of the blue. I know they're my memories, but I'd rather not remember them.

A good number of years ago, I worked in an animal shelter. As part of my job, I raised orphaned kittens. Some were only a day or two old, some were a week or two. Without mothers, even with literally around the clock care from me (feedings every three hours through the night), four out of five litters of kittens died.

Know what it's like to take care of a little of tiny baby kittens? To bottle feed them, to wipe their bottoms to stimulate them to pass wastes, to sit up through the night with them when they're sick? When they're so small they'll fit head-to-tail in the palm of your hand? And then to watch them die one by one? It was one of the most painful things in my life.

There was one litter that was dying when I left work. When a litter started going downhill, you knew when it reached a point: Either they had to make a turn and start improving, or all were going to die. Well, this litter had reached that point and kept going downhill, downhill fast. Work was an hour and a half from home, and they died as I drove. I talked to them as if they were people, telling them to hold on, that we'd be out of the car soon and at least they'd die in my hands instead of in the carrier, but they all died before I got home.

It was ten years ago, but it still hurts so bad that I'm crying now. Poor baby kittens, there's no reason that they should die. Alive only for a week or a few days or maybe two weeks, and then they all die one by one. Dying even before their eyes open. It's a terrible, terrible thing. Stupid, idiotic people not getting their pets fixed. I'd like to say 'if you ever had to have a kitten die in your hand, a perfect little kitten with tiny round ears and a little nose and a tiny little mouth, then you'd get your pet fixed to stop that pain' but know what? So many people don't care. Can't be bothered. What's a kitten's death compared to them missing a TV show?

When I lived in "the crackhouse", there were these kids next door. Two of them stomped a kitten to death. One of their siblings threw a kitten down a storm drain. If I could trade those kids' lives for the lives of an equal number of kittens, I would not hesitate.

My heart hurts. I don't understand people. I don't understand how I can be one of them. It makes no sense and it makes me hurt so so much. My poor baby kittens.

Edit: (Sometime later, got out of bed to add this.) I know not every person on the planet is bad. Unfair generalization, yes.
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