What's it mean when you want to cry and scream at the same time, for no reason at all? When you think about the world without you in it? Not killing yourself, but just somehow vanishing? When you feel purposeless? Unneeded? Useless?
It must be PMS!
At least I've gotten better at recognizing it. That whole 'thinking about the world without me in it' has become sort of the thing that keys me off. 'Oh yeah! PMS! Just ride it out, babe, it'll be over in a week or so!'. I think I'm spending about half the month PMS, which sucks some major ass. Nothing like crying over nothing, screaming at people who don't use turn signals, and ponder quitting your job because of a bad few minutes. I'd so trade the whole PMS/period/pregnancy thing for the external genitalia thing. Any guys interested? :)
I got the days off I wanted at work, so between them, a normal weekend on one end, and the holiday weekend on the other, I'm getting 10+ days off. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The month around it will suck (badly), but the time off will rock.
Six Feet Under disappointed me tonight. No gay sex at all. Not even a hug! Bah, I really wanted to see some love (not even necessarily physical, though that's a nice addition).
Finally un-sick, rested, and with a vacation in sight, I had a ton of energy today. Bursting with it. Did a bunch of MUSH work, played the HP and AC games again, finally beat sucky Pokemon Ruby, and cleaned my desk and the area around it.
I'm feeling so lacking in creative output. My only role-play nowadays comes from GMing. I could app a new PC, but who's to say I'd want to RP it anymore than I do my current PCs? Sigh sigh sigh. I feel a useless lump, a drain on the MUSH, worthle-- oops! PMS! Ding ding ding! But back on track, I do need to do *something*. I used to love RP, it used to be my favorite thing, I used to get up early and stay up late for it. And now, other than GMing here and there, I haven't RPed in nearly a year. I don't think 'burn out' covers that long...
I'm nearly bursting with restless energy. I'm supposed to sleep in an hour, but there's no way that's going to happen. I need a purpose in my life. I need something to do, more than a job I hate, a cat I love more than anything, and a MUSH that could get by without me. (And mind you, I need to get this, but while not having to leave my apartment! Heh. Not asking for much, am I?)
Sometimes (oftentimes) I think about moving. Vegas, the midwest, Canada, Hawaii. Changing my setting won't be a real fix though. Might help for a short time, but not for longterm. I'm so restless though. I want to go outside and stand in the middle of the dark street and just yell and scream and howl. (Shadow will understand this bit: I feel much like Tommy, at the very end, pre-going to the HQ. There's something /wrong/, there's something not right inside me, there's something that's been locked up and broken and tied down inside me and it's howling to get out and I'm howling and it's just all crazy and I don't understand it at all and howling and need to get out and need to stay in and nothing makes sense and it all doesn't make sense but I can't stay and I can't go and I got to get out!)
Sunday nights are like this for me. My head gets into a strange place.
The midwest has gotten my attention move-wise lately. All the open space, no one around. Too bad the weather sucks. But more than that, the people/attitude scares me. I had intended to write a whole post about this (Sorry, K), but I didn't: The fact that even here where I am now, in the "gaybay": probably the most liberal area in the US, that gay bashing can go on here (a cross-dressing high school student got killed a year or so ago, just for cross-dressing), the idea of going someplace where people are conservative just makes me tremble. To go somewhere where there are people who might yell 'Fag!' at two people of the same sex holding hands? To do more than yell at someone and insult them? To go somewhere where they might *kill* someone just because of the sex of the person that they love? It makes me sick. Just sitting here now, thinking of the hated of awful people who are so threatened by this, so violent towards people who love someone of the same sex... Well, if it can happen here in San Francisco, then the increased chances of it happening elsewhere...
Part of me wants to live in a box where no people will ever find me again, part of me wants to shake these people who hate back and forth until I force some sense into them, and part of me just wants to cry at how poorly the majority of humans turn out. How does a man loving a man or a woman loving a woman hurt you? If you don't like it, then don't do it yourself! You're an adult, I'm an adult, we can all make our own decisions.
K said of a recent attack:
This is a reminder why it's so damned important to not sit back and thing of Gay Rights as someone else's issue, or some special interest group getting uppity, or a small part of our country's problems. It's getting worse, and it's absolutely brutal already. It's absolutely insane that this happens so regularly.
I wish I could have said it as well.