Thistle (thistle_chaser) wrote,

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Gastric bypass: Five and a quarter months out

I had wanted to post at 5 months, but I wanted to also post at, as tersa calls, it, a "nice round number", but the scale had other ideas. I was going to wait until 6 months and hopefully hit that number then, but I'm in a stall and something else weight-related happened today, so here goes.

I've lost 92 pounds total (including the 20 pounds I lost pre-surgery), so darned close to a nice round 100 pound loss, but alas. Last week I lost a half-pound and this week nothing, so... sigh. A stall. Boo.

I try to be in a better mindset about stalls now. (Which is easier because it's been about four months since I last had one...) I tell myself that losing 100 pounds, even if I don't lose any more at all ever, is still a big improvement in health. While that doesn't really help much, what does help is knowing that all I can do is wait it out, so... trying not to stress.

While losing 100 pounds (or, well, almost 100) sounds great and is good, it's not as good as it seems since it's not even the halfway point of what I need to lose. Le sigh. With each passing week, it's going to get harder and harder to lose (nature of the surgery), so that's another worry.

Borrowing gonzostar's format: Things I'm proud that I haven't eaten yet:
- Candy. I even pick M&Ms out of any trail mix I have (rare), where pre-surgery I added more.
- Soda. I haven't had a single sip of Diet Coke. I still miss it on some level, though I suspect at this point it would taste awful to me.

Things I shouldn't have had but have tried:
- Chips. Twice now I've tried chips (eating 1-4 potato chips), but the taste really isn't worth it. I miss salty things, but chips don't do it for me anymore.
- Bread. I can have bread, but when I do I eat too much of it. With butter, which is the same (I can have it, but have too much of it when I have it on bread).
- Fast Food. I've gone a couple times. Twice were things I could have (grilled chicken sandwich, tossed out most of bread and ate just the chicken). Twice were things I couldn't (2 McDonalds chicken nuggets (made me so sick!), 4 Wendy's chicken nuggets (didn't make me sick). It's not really worth it. The price is high and the taste isn't good.

Food I still have issues with:
- Beef. I've tried it twice now and it leaves me feeling icky.
- Salads (only if I don't chew it really, really well).

My typical day of eating:
Breakfast: Cheese stick (kid's snack kind) and 1/4-1/2 serving of carbs (oyster crackers lately)
Lunch: 2 Laughing Cow cheese wedges on half-serving of Ritz crackers.
Snack: Sandwich meat and/or cheese, sometimes with a pickle, rarely with a cracker (yes, a cracker, a single Ritz). Or "fake peanut butter" (peanut butter made from powder, a fifth the fat and calories of regular). Or almonds (love almonds).
Dinner: Sandwich meat if I didn't have it for snack. Some kind of meat I made myself (pork chop, chicken). Or a small frozen dinner (300-ish calories).

Adds up to about 600 calories for the day. I'm hungry all the time. Envy my life.

What prompted this post was that for the first time, someone noticed I was losing weight. I hadn't thought I'd care when someone did, but it was actually pretty nice.

I don't really see any differences or feel them, but I suspect it's the 'frog in pot of boiling water' effect -- the changes are so small and coming so slowly, I don't notice the overall effect.

And, the important question, how do I feel about having done this? My feelings haven't changed. The lack of food in my life is still painfully sad. It's enjoyable to be able to eat. Food tastes good. I miss being able to eat without worrying if it was going to make me sick (especially when it comes to meals with people from work). I hate all the excuses I have to make (why I can't share someone's birthday cake, why I don't want some of the free ice cream, why I have to pass on chocolates someone brought home from a trip). All in all, even with my success so far, I still get depressed as hell about this if I let myself think about it (so I try not to think about it. One day at a time, all that).

My mother asked me if I was happy I had had the surgery, but it was never about that. I had it done because I had to, because being 200 pounds overweight was, quite literally, going to kill me. It wasn't something I wanted to do. Feelings-wise, I could have happily stayed at my weight and kept eating as I was. But feelings aren't reality and I don't want to fall over dead sooner than I have to. Maybe one day I'll stop missing eating so much.
Tags: health: bariatric surgery
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